Ultra-processed

As published in The County Times (countytimes.somd.com)

By Ronald N. Guy Jr.

Picture a quiet section in a stadium’s upper deck.  There’s a ball game being played far below but it’s the late innings and the lopsided score has minds drifting.  Is the beer guy ever coming back?  If he does, has my buzz faded too much?  Will another $15 beer just put me to sleep?  The t-shirt launcher stands no chance of blasting one this high – very unfortunate.  There hasn’t been foul ball hit up here since the Obama administration – even more unfortunate.

You ponder all this while gazing at the illuminated diamond below and admiring the mustard stain on your shirt.  It’s been a long day and the beer haze has taken hold.  Conscious thought begins to fade; eyes droop to half-mast.  Then a booming voice, from a slightly inebriated fellow fan, echoes across the section, “I can’t stand the Phoenix Suns.” 

It’s an odd introduction.  Different sport.  Team located across the country.  Still, the fan’s volume and conviction demand attention.  Where this conversation is about to meander is uncertain, but your spider senses indicate it will be polarizing.  And sure enough, the opinions that follow leave those under 40 appalled at the talking fossil, and those well into middle age muttering “preach” and “facts”.

The guy – let’s call him Paul - just keeps talking.  No one engages, not even his buddy, who offers just the occasional polite nod or “uh-huh”, but everyone in the section is listening; this is far more interesting than the blowout on the field below.  Paul is D.C. local and a Wizards fan.  He admitted that he has no legitimate reason to dislike the Suns, Kevin Durant or former Wizard/current Sun Bradley Beal.  Durant is from P.G. County and Beal toiled for years as the best player on bad Wizards teams.  Neither deserve his angst.  But they are getting it tonight. 

It isn’t personal.  The Suns are just the latest manufactured “super-team” to get Paul’s goat.  And Durant and Beal, stars traded to Phoenix from other NBA locales, are just the latest names in the sinister “buy success” game.  The Yankees and Dodgers are annual offenders.  The Miami Heat started it in the NBA.  The Rams pretty much bought themselves a Super Bowl a couple years ago.  The NHL hasn’t quite caught on yet, bless hockey’s heart.

Turns out Paul’s kind of a deep thinker, especially with two or six beers in his belly.  He travels beyond sports.  He can’t stand all the fake music being made now and longs for experiences where humans play actual instruments live.  He says he enjoys his kid’s band concerts more than anything that AI creates and corporations push on the radio.  He buys more vinyl records than downloads these days.  Paul is also irritated by filtered photos and perfectly manufactured social media lives.  He’s 100% sure that sports offer the only true reality shows and seems prepared to fight above his weight class if necessary to defend his position. 

Paul’s late-inning screed got me thinking about the recent championships won by the Capitals and Nats and those won so long ago by the D.C. football team.  Those teams all went through a mostly organic construction – drafted, home-gown talent – and a long, sometimes painful process of developing a championship mettle.  That grind, the gradual build and bumps along the way, made the victories all the sweeter.  Everything about those titles felt right. 

Paul’s internal conflict with hating on the Suns was not apparent during the team’s underwhelming season that ended in a four-game sweep in the first round of the playoffs to the Minnesota Timberwolves, a team largely built around drafted talent.  Paul reveled in the Suns’ defeat and lack general lack of fight.  This is what happens when individuals meet a team.  The Suns are a frozen dinner; the Timberwolves are scratch made, he mused.

Paul’s opinions seemed to split the section as clean as a presidential election – 50% on his side, 50% on the other.  Is he a man who is gladly watching the world pass him by, or an astute being who properly rejects an increasingly ultra-processed world?  Flip a coin.  For me, I’m Team Paul.